“This is all I could do for now… Just cry out all my sadness and frustrations without anyone watching me. Pour out all my longing for him.”
Time seemed to crawl so slowly. My days have been filled with nothing but longing and frustrations. I am still jobless, and imprisoned in this house. The calendar says it’s already February. And, my life still remains meaningless and empty.
I can’t stay like this. I started reviewing the options I have. I was thinking if I should already move to Mom’s place and from there (when I get myself a job), I’ll move in to a room or apartment. But of course, there are lots of factors to consider – like money.
Besides, it’s risky moving in to Mom’s place right now. Her boyfriend is now living with her. I don’t want to cause any conflicts. But, how long can I endure living in this toxic place?
If I stay here longer, I might lose it. I might get provoked and say rude things to Dad and his new girlfriend (my traitor godmother who created stories of me having abortion. Such a backstabber!). Definitely, I’ll still be the one who’s evil even if I just defended myself. Worse, Dad will probably not take my side since he still hardly talks to me.
It’s hard to think about things. Such a headache. If only ‘he’ could help me… *sighs*
* * *
I woke up the following morning with sad thoughts about the month. Valentines had passed and I didn’t even noticed it. It has always been like that. An occasion that doesn’t appear in my calendar at all. Suddenly, my cellphone interrupted my thoughts.
“Ang tagal na ntn d ngkta. Nangungulila nko syo.
Question lang po:
Luv mo pa rin ako?…🙂 “
My eyes started to water as I finished reading his message. I stared at it for a moment. It was the same question that I was planning to ask him. I just don’t have lots of guts to do it.
I know that we both long so much for each other already. It’s been like ages since from the last time we were together. And right now, it’s hard to find the right opportunity to see each other again.
I typed my reply to him and sent it.
I miss his company and of course I still love him. His absence has proven that I love him more than before. I miss all the things we used to do together. And memories started playing in my mind as I hold the phone tightly, waiting for his messages…
I remember how I prepare his coffee in the company’s pantry and how he would go there. He would slightly brush his arm to me then steal kisses. I was always anxious that someone might caught us.
Then, we would eat lunch together. Share our baon. He would playfully kick my feet under the table or secretly hold my hand whenever we sit beside each other. He was good at sneaking sweet gestures for me those times that sometimes I wonder, did our colleagues really failed to notice? Or were they just pretending not to notice?
We often go home together too. We ride the bus instead of the MRT to have more time with each other. Sometimes, he comes home with me. Then we would watch some movies while we cuddle. Hug each other and kiss. Enjoy some red wine with my very own home-made pizza. And, make love fiercely like there’s no tomorrow.
I fell asleep with those thoughts filling my mind… ‘Hoping that when I wake up, I’ll see him beside me. Sleeping peacefully. Or, looking intently at me, with a smile painted on his face.