“… when Y came into my life I felt so inspired to write. The only problem is that I do not know how to put my feelings into words.”
Ever since Y and I have acknowledged what’s going on between us, it has become our habit to go home together from work. Either he accompanies me till his stop or he ends up at my place. We never took the train in going home, instead we ride the bus, bear the rush hour traffic and hold hands as we talk just about anything.
One busy night, a few hours before midnight, Y and I were quietly riding a cab on our way home. It was a tiring day and we can no longer find any bus to ride onto. We sat comfortably with each other and Y started talking about us.
At first, he spoke of how he came to like me. That he was disappointed before to learn that I already have a boyfriend. And so, he just resorted to being my friend. And he’s glad that he decided to be one because it drew him closer to me. I was really touched with his words. I never thought someone could ever think of me the way he did. I could still feel the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach when he suddenly swerved the topic.
He said that he loves me but there are times when he feels that it’s just a one-way thing. He can’t feel me. He’s not sure if I really love him. He thinks he’s just a “rebound” guy. That I just go out with him to get even with my ex. I fell silent. This was the first time he talked to me this way – using some harsh words. I was too tired to argue with him so I just listened as he continued with his litany. I tried my best to ignore him but still his words has gotten into me.
When I thought that he’s done with his “whinings”, I moved closer to him. Without looking at his face, I started whispering to his ear…
“Alam mo sa totoo lang, noong una hindi naman talaga kita gusto. Medyo naiinis pa nga ako pag tinutukso ka nila sa’kin. Lalo na pag naaalala ko na ang tawag pa nga sa’yo ni D**** ay ‘Undin’. Pilit talaga kitang iniwasan. Alam kong alam mo yun. Naaalala mo pa ba yung sinabi ko sa’yo? ‘Please don’t fall in love with me co’z you’ll just get hurt.’ Ito na nga yun. Ito yung kinatatakutan ko… and much worse.
Sinabi ko yun sa’yo noon dahil hind ako sigurado sa feelings ko sa’yo. Ayokong maging tayo tapos iisipin mo na ‘rebound’ ka lang. Ayoko nang ganoon. When I said I love you. Totoo yun. I really love you. Minahal kita nang di ko nalalaman kung paano nangyari at kailan nangyari. Pero yun ang totoo.
Please don’t think that you’re a rebound. I don’t want to see and hear you hurting like this. It breaks my heart. You mean so much to me now. I’m so sorry if you can’t feel my love for you. But I’m loving you in the best way I know how…”
Then I stopped. I wondered why he was so quiet. He didn’t even utter a single word. I waited, hoping he’d say something. Nothing. I was a bit upset. I moved a bit away to check on him and saw that he’s already asleep. His brows a bit wrinkled.
I let out a huge sigh. I’ve just poured out my heart without realizing that all my words have gone with the wind. I wonder if he ever heard any of it… Or if he’ll ever remember anything when he wakes up. I gently straigthened his wrinkled brows and held his hand.
I pray that he’s not dreaming of me hurting him… I wish he’d stop thinking that I’m just playing with him. And I hope he’s not just playing too… Because I’m not.
It hurts that he thinks of me that way. But it would hurt even more if he’s just playing too because he thinks that I do.
Four years later, as I look back to this scene I can’t help but wonder… was he really hurting? He thought he’s a rebound so he made me a spare tire? Did he really love me or he just want to take revenge for a mistaken “playing” I did with him? I guess I can relate very well (even more) now with the pain he felt back then. For I have already started hurting, hating and doubting; and it doesn’t feel good especially since I’ve been loving despite and inspite of everything…