” I never really liked him. But, one thing’s certain now – I love him…”
I have already accepted the fact that I love Y. It was quite hard for me to admit it at first especially since I always find him weird before. But now I’ve gotten used to it. Not only that, I have also gotten used to his “lambing” whenever he asks me to make him coffee.
Yes, I make him coffee in the office. He would stand from his seat, look at me pleadingly and mouth silently the word coffee. Then he would go to the pantry and leave his mug there for me to fill. Or, he would wait for me there, watch me make his coffee and steal kisses while everyone else are busy with their work. I guess that’s how we’ve gotten closer together (not to mention another very private moment in the “room of mirrors”). Our day won’t be complete without coffee and some sweet moments to go with it.
People around me have noticed my sudden change. They have seen me so low before. Maybe I looked like a zombie forced to work back then. I know that even my writing was affected. When X and I broke up, all my poetry were all about pain and loss. I can no longer write anything about being in love or being happy. Yet, when Y came into my life I felt so inspired to write. The only problem is that I do not know how to put my feelings into words. I do not know why but later on one night while I was missing my favorite coffee from Figaro, I discovered the reason… I have suppressed my feelings for him and I have chained my hands and thoughts too. And so, without any more inhibitions, I started to write. I began writing verses that may sound “korny” or “baduy”. But honestly, I don’t give a damn even if he’ll laugh at it in case he’ll read it. All I wanna do at that moment is to free myself…
Sakupin mo ang aking isipan
at gisingin ang pusong ito
na binalot ng ginaw
at labis na kalungkutan.
Hayaan mong namnamin
ng nanunuyo kong labi
ang iyong init na papawi,
bubura sa mapapait na alaala.
Taglay mo ang bagsik
at lambing na bumibihag,
gumagabay sa’king diwa.
Ikaw ang munting kislap
na nagbigay liwanag
sa mga gabing mapanglaw.
Pinalaya mo ang aking isipan
sa higpit ng pagkakagapos
sa tanikala ng kabiguan.
Sa iyong kapangyarihan nanumbalik
ang saganang pagdaloy ng mga salita
at wala nang makapipigil pa
sa mga kamay sa paglikha ng tula.
Ngayong nandito ka sa’king tabi,
kapiling ko sa’king pag-iisa
pupunuan ng iyong halimuyak
ang kahungkagang nadarama.
Ikaw ang magiging inspirasyon,
karamay sa pagsusulat.
At kahit na ako’y iyong iwanan,
mananatili namang buhay sa isipan
ang iyong bagsik, tamis at init
na tila lagi pa ring dumadampi
sa uhaw at nangungulilang labi.
Pagliliyabin ng iyong mga alaala
ang aking diwang iyong inulila.
Sapat na ang lahat ng ito kung wala ka,
para ako’y makalikha ng mga tula.
– 2006, Wednesday evening
When I was done with the poem, I read it out loud to myself. I can’t believe that I was able to write a passionate poem in my native tongue. And to top it all, I compared Y to my favorite coffee. I was amused at my work. It was a little achievement for me. So, I kept it hidden in my poem notebook. Then I went to bed and slept without knowing that four years later when I’ll read the poem again, the last stanza would hit me like lightning in broad daylight.